Just don’t EE in the OOL….

 

So we took the kids to Rapids Water Park on Sunday.

I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that’s where Obama decided to send the kids to resolve the border control crisis.

 

The minute we walked into the park I immediately regretted not splurging for the $89 pair of aqua sox.

Now some of you loyal Blog readers are aware of my GERM freak issues (and by ISSUES I mean you couldn’t PAY ME ENOUGH to go on a luxury cruise- for fear of contacting  Hepatitis A – regardless if Julie Mccoy offered to seat me at the captains table for dinner )

 

So when I realized what I had stepped into I immediately broke out in hives.

My very supportive husband who knows me better than anyone in the world understood completely what was going on in my head as I ascended the steps to our first water slide and I pointed out the rust on the bolts that were “supposedly” holding the entire park together. His words of wisdom and comfort were clear and succinct:

“Suck it up”

And just like that!- I decided I had to look past the mold and fungi on the steps in front of my bare feet and ignore the nose picker in front of me who wiped it off on the hand rail my children were leaning on and focused on getting up those hundred’s of steps to the entry to what looked simply like a giant MRI tube in the sky. (Hey, at least I was getting in a good leg work out since I had skipped the gym that morning ).

I just kept my focus on the people in front of me and tried not to worry about just what was holding this slide together given the size of the clientelle who use it daily.

 

After what seemed like hours but most likely was only a germ filled 15 minutes, we had finally arrived at the top of the slide – our turn!

The kids were so excited, the husband not so much, and as for me ,well – I just asked the nice 17 year old boy with acne and yet somehow put in control of the positioning of the raft (and our lives) if he  could please make sure I am not the one who goes backwards because this was my first time at the park.

I was very appreciative when he responded that I shouldn’t worry he would “take care “ of me and I hesitantly, yet bravely, climbed into the flimsy blow up raft.

From that moment on, all I could remember was hearing him laughing his ass off as our raft very quickly picked up lightening speed as we slid down the slide and suddenly turned backwards and upside down – ME HEAD FIRST- and then hyperventilating as we darted through the pitch black tubes flipping over several times and losing consciousness along the way.

After what I can only describe as the closest I have come to hell, we had finally made it to the bottom and as I barely fell off the raft and looked around for my lost sun visor I almost did not hear my kids yelling that my bikini bottoms had fallen down and my woohoo was showing.

The least of my problems.

Then we decided to take a quick break and relax in the lazy river.

After three minutes I realized I had made a cardinal mistake by assuming this was the safest of the rides when I  heard the woman behind me order her son to get off his raft to pee in the pool so they could go eat lunch.

 

We decided to end our day at the WAVE pool and I laid our towels down momentarily while we jumped through chaos and commotion – (admittedly the best part of my day) and when I went over to gather our towels to leave I was confronted by a man with face tattoos and nipple rings wiping his  armpits and his crotch on our towels.

Time to go! I declared and out came the purel as we drove off to hose down with BLEACH.

 

Lesson Learned:

Sometimes it’s HEALTHY to get out of your comfort zone – if, for no other reason, but to prove that you’re still able to enjoy acting like a kid.

just remember to bring antibiotics

It’s OK to make eye contact (just keep the comments to yourself)…..

It always amazes me how different people are in Florida than they are in the east coast-  but by far my favorite difference to observe is when I go to Publix.
Without fail during the checkout process someone in line behind or in front of me feels the need to comment about my food choices.
This would never happen in NYC.
At Fairway, the aisles are so narrow that you have to maneuver through them the same way you would if as if you were on the subway – you keep your head down and avoid eye contact.


god forbid you need help looking for an item in Food Emporium and actually have to find – let alone ask - a store clerk for something.
Most often they don’t bother looking they just reply with the same practiced (ie; lazy) response of: “we’re out of it”. Sure you are. Sure you are.
Too much of an inconvenience to actually have to lift their finger and POINT to the correct aisle where said item is located (and indeed in stock).


But at Publix not only will the store clerk tell you where your requested item is located but they will ESCORT you to the exact location and place it in your cart FOR you (albeit they are typically old enough to be your great grandpa so it takes about 20 minutes just to get to the aisle and another 20 to find the shelf – but never the less they make the effort- and simultaneously you make their day!!)
So I had to smile during check out yesterday when the conversation went like this:
Bagger: “ I just have to ask – what are all these items for??”
Me: “- to eat?”
Bagger: ” I mean what are all these melons and apples and nuts and avocados for? You have so much fruit and vegetables!?” (at which point I so badly wanted to correct her and say “many” not “much”-but held back.)
Me: “- to eat?”
Bagger: “wow you must have a huge family to feed!!!”
Me: “just the 4 of us”(taking into consideration that I hadn’t even remembered to buy dog food but was too time constrained to  get out of line to ask the octogenarian clerk to help me find it )


Bagger: “So you mean you stock up for weeks?”
Me: ” Nope –we’ll go through this in 2 -3 days” (suddenly overcome with doubt- thinking maybe we do EAT TOO MUCH)
Bagger : “man, if my cart looked like that I would probably be able to get off my insulin!!!”

And BOOM!- just like that- I was reminded of exactly WHY I BOTHER to take the time to go to the store to load up on FRESH produce.

Mission accomplished.

Lesson Learned:

When you treat yourself to healthful choices your are rewarded with a healthy body. Who cares how many comments you get on the way- embrace the stares by knowing that you’re the one with the power to stay fit for life. But just remember to feed your dog.

And now for some Burpees! Please subscribe to my Youtube channel and keeps sending me suggestions of topics of the day!!:

https://www.youtube.com/user/Balsamfitsecret

 

Be careful when you click on your favorite brand!…

 

I HATE shopping.

I absolutely detest it. I hardly have time for a Publix run let alone spending more than a minute browsing in a retail store for clothing.

Which is why I buy EVERYTHING ONLINE – from kitchen supplies to clothing for work, swim, casual, kids, workout, husband- you name it – I only buy online.

I simply don’t have time- let alone PATIENCE- to shop at the mall.

So last night, when I was browsing online with my 10 year old for summer clothes, we came across some new shopping sites. She mentioned to me that she liked a brand called“so nikki”- so I did what any tech savvy mama does and GOOGLED the word “so nikki” .

The first few items that came up were the typical Amazon and eBay items- which were OK but nothing special- so when I clicked on the  next link- it brought us directly to a  website titled: “sonikki.com”- which I proceeded to navigate to while my 10 year old sat next to me in hopes of finding some great new clothes.

However, instead of a retail chain it brought us directly to a hardcore XXX PORN site !

(yes, I said US- in other words- BOTH myself and my 10 year old child watched TOGETHER as the very buxom blonde proceeded to – well- you know where this goes).

OY VEY.

I panicked.

I literally froze  in my tracks as we sat there together in unison SHOCKED  – just WATCHING – like a train wreck where I couldn’t look away – yet knew I must do SOMETHING immediately  ( I kind of blanked out – but I’m pretty sure her words were:

”EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I suppose the super strength of a mama in distress took over and I immediately X-ed out of the site- but not  before I realized she had seen TOO MUCH.

My first thought was – do I need to call a family psychologist?

Is this going to cost me years of therapy ?

But just like that – she ran out of the room to tell her sister what happened and all I could hear from the other room was hysterical LAUGHTER and more words like “So GROSS!!!” .

Lesson Learned:

There are many dangers out there awaiting OUR children -and we can not protect them from everything- but if it happens to occur that they are exposed to things they should not be exposed to before their time- then at least let it be accompanied by us-their PARENTAL GUARDIAN- where we can walk them through and explain to them the TRUTH behind it all. (Such as- in 10 years from now- when You’re old enough to appreciate it-  I’m sure the online  “material” will be significantly BETTER quality).

Happy Friday!!!

Check out my new YOUTUBE channel and SUBSCRIBE!!!! Send me suggestions for topics.

Also, you can follow me on twitter: @Fitmoneywoman

Click link:

https://www.youtube.com/user/Balsamfitsecret

 

Leave the flip flops at home and put on your big boy pants…..

 

I absolutely hate to fly.
Ironically, I used to dream of traveling for a living – possibly as a photographer for a glossy magazine based in some exotic location -my wanderlust visions were enough to make Walter Mitty look dull.

There was a point in my young career when I was on a plane at least twice a week and I loved the adventure of traveling to a different city each time, renting a car, staying in a hotel, eating in a new restaurant, meeting a new prospective client /slash/friend.

Back then, the airport delays were minimal and the Ford rental cars didn’t have navigation so I would always allow myself “getting lost time” as I attempted to concentrate on the road while glancing at my printout of MapQuest’s archaic directions which were pretty much guaranteed to lead me the wrong way.

which way?

This was before 9/11 and security lines didn’t require pedicures.


So when I had to fly to NYC this week for a quick business trip, all my insecurities of the danger of modern travel came out. The anxiety crept in a few nights before – but I relied on my never fail outlet of handing stress: A few COOKIES.

(Ok, ok, ….an ENTIRE  BOX of Oreos – but no one was looking so it didn’t count )

It always amazes me when people in front of me in security line act SHOCKED when told they need to remove their shoes.
They act as if they haven’t traveled in a decade and give off a nasty attitude of just how appalled they are with the inconvenience of it all- at the same time they try and pass through 12 bags as carry- ons.

My words of wisdom to them:

GET OVER IT.
For me the airport is just another opportunity for blog material.
(And Lord knows there’s a plethora of good material in Florida)
What still never ceases to amaze me is how people are DRESSED  when they show up to the airport.

The booty shorts and tiny tanks (seriously? Am I the ONLY one who is absolutely FREEZING on a plane??)  And of course I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the flip flops -which just means they have to walk BAREFOOT through those nasty mangy germy security lines.

Really?? WHY????? I won’t even walk around my own house barefoot.

But the best by far are the 20 something( I think the term is millennial???) hungover partyers who simply can not figure out what they are doing, where they are going, and what day it is. Somehow they always get the seat next to mine. (And the other side is the screaming baby on the bosom of the stressed out mama).

Lesson learned:

When you need to leave your comfort zone make sure to pack plenty of Valium.

NOW for the best part I saved for last- My NEW YOUTUBE CHANNEL!!!!!

Please check it out, subscribe and offer any suggestions and comments of TOPICS you’d like to see!!! click or paste link below:

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClnP5zhw542nAn79qk4Uc0A

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClnP5zhw542nAn79qk4Uc0A

Go to bed angry as long as you are HONEST about it…..

 

I attended a wedding shower of one of my friends children this weekend and on the tables were little note cards asking us old married folks to write some of our advice for ‘wedding bliss’ to the new couple.

As they read some of the cute ones out loud (or is it ‘aloud’?)–such as–

“Your wife is always right” or

“No dear, you don’t look fat in that dress”

- it occurred to me that no one really offered up the best advice that I adhere to – which is “be HONEST with your partner”

I have to say that after 13 years of marriage (and yes, I ALWAYS forget my anniversary -but I’m told it’s been THAT long) the ONE biggest thing that I pride myself on in having a happy marriage is our ability to be HONESTwith each other.

BRUTALLY honest.

For instance, my husband ALWAYS tells me if he likes (or hates) what I’m wearing.
I never get offended because I appreciate that I can really trust his opinion and know he’s telling the truth if something isn’t flattering. (Something I never expect from the Women who work in the boutiques trying to make a sale and the reason my wardrobe when I was single was an expensive  disaster).

So when he turned to me at the beach this weekend  and casually said:
“It’s really amazing how much your weight fluctuates- that only 2 weeks ago you were absolutely ripped and now you have a mushy tushy”-  I had no choice but to gush with adoration and think – what a great guy I have!


Now I know what you’re thinking: Most women wouldn’t fall in love all over again from a statement that her ass looks fat – but for me it just reaffirms how much he LOVES me.
Look, its not like it came as a shock to me given the amount of pizza and pancakes I’ve been inhaling lately-  but I truly think it’s a GOOD thing to hear every  once in awhile that my body can use a little improving and that even though its OK to be lazy on weekends I don’t need to inhale the kitchen EVERY night.

I know I’m lucky that I am with a man that isn’t afraid of the repercussions of telling his wife she is JUST A LITTLE FAT.

I am someone who understands that marriage is a give and take – and when it comes to letting him know that his snoring is getting intolerable I don’t mince words (I kick the hell out of him all night long instead).

Lesson Learned:

Understand that Enhancement comes from within but every now and again its good to hear form a trusted source what you already know yourself to be true – and WORK on IMPROVING it .

Give me a week at the gym and closing the kitchen at 8 PM and RIPPED I shall be. Challenge accepted!!!!

and now for an easy way to get in some squats:

<p><a href=”http://vimeo.com/96110520″>Swim practice squats</a> from <a href=”http://vimeo.com/user28269231″>balsamfit secret</a> on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a&gt;.</p>

Where are they NOW – doesn’t matter- be yourself….

 

I’m just a tiny bit OBSESSED with the website TMZ.com

I only discovered it recently while clicking on a  link that had a cover story about “Penny “, from my favorite show ; ‘Big Bang Theory’, and noticed just how much she overdid the Botox and fillers.

Ah, to be young and dumb again.

But while on the site I secretly indulged in clicking through to the other stories and gossip of the week- such as- but not limited to,  Bruce Jenners’ desire to date Madonna and how she declared that  she would gladly eat him alive.

Or the fact that Beyonce- butt and all- is really just a size 2- regardless of just how bootylicious she appears in photos.

But what had me hooked and unable to concentrate on anything else -were the ‘Before and After’ photos and the “where are they now” pictures of child stars who fell into the Bermuda triangle trap of popular stardom in adolescence to total losers in adulthood.

I became entranced with the photos of Alice from Brady Bunch- who is  now someone I would recognize in the ladies card room at the club.

or Tina Yothers from Family Ties, one of my favorite Publix grocery baggers .

Or Blaire from’ Facts of Life’, now looks like  a typical Boca housewife I would find on the tennis courts or at the club buffet LUNCH- midday- sloppily toasting the other ladies in pink Lulu’s with a glass of wine in her hand.

Or Schneider from ‘One Day at a Time’ (also a nickname my husband has deemed for me given that I can fix anything with a corkscrew and a bottle of wine) – who is now someone I would easily say is a GREAT CATCH  for any of my single friends.

And oh – Ely May Clampett- from the ‘Beverly Hillbillies’- how I wish you stayed out of the sun my dear.

And last but certainly not least, FLO from  ‘Alice’ – well, I just HAVE to say

“Kiss my Grits!”

That was fun!!

Lesson Learned:

We all grow up and age in our own way. Life is short.  Embrace who you are NOW and don’t look back at who you thought you might have been at some point in your youth.

Have a great Memorial Day and enjoy the BBQ because Tuesday we are back to clean eating and healthy living!!!!!!!!!!!

And now for a few NEW items to check out!!!!

1. my NEW vimeo channel!!!:

suggestions for topics are welcome!!

2. click on my twitter and see my updates of just how annoyed people make me throughout the day and how I learn lessons from it!!!

@fitmoneywoman

 

 

Ignore the Tweet and make your own Selfie…..

 

Kevin spacey has been stirring up some controversy recently by tweeting a  Selfie with Enrique Pena Nieto, the President of Mexico, with the tag line:

“ One of these Presidents is real.”
As a ‘House of Cards’ fan, I enjoyed the reference and didn’t think much of it.
But apparently I am in the minority.
There’s a whole debate about political candidates paying famous personalities to promote and endorse them.
I don’t see what all the fuss is about – this is certainly nothing NEW?
Celebrity endorsement has been going on for ages not only in terms of promoting the politicians, but for celebrities themselves using their 15 minutes of fame for political power.

 

I’m sure I could go way back but I’ll keep it age appropriate and reference Ronald Reagan, the Actor turned President.
Certainly his Hollywood charm didn’t harm his political campaign back in the day.

Seriously, who can resist that?

 

 

Now, THIS- I can resist!

 

It seems that if you have any kind of celebrity presence you’re suddenly entitled to a voice in the White House.

 

Campaign trails and White House Correspondence dinners have become the new  red carpet for the Oscar winners.

So let’s all calm down about this whole paying people to promote us argument-

Society has let Hollywood dictate what to WEAR, EAT, DRIVE and ACT for decades.

It’s OUR issue that WE have given THEM the authority to tell US what to do and how to be.

There are even countless blogs and websites designed for just that purpose.

Lesson Learned:

Make your own decision on who to vote for- don’t let the pretty face in the Tweet fool you into believing something else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nine is not enough for Wine…..

 

Have you heard the latest?

They came out with a new study that proved red wine has absolutely no HEALTH BENEFITS as previously suggested.
Apparently the study took place over the course of NINE years.
Although I’m no scientist,  I can confidently say that nine years is definitely not enough time to make such bold appalling conclusions !

Only 9 years?
Really? Would you ask my 9 year old for medical advice? I think not!


Considering I have been drinking wine EVERY NIGHT for the past TWO DECADES and I’m healthy as a horse ( with the horses ass to show for it) I would have to argue otherwise

( only ONE glass of course)


The study concluded that although, resveratrol, the key ingredient in red wine once known to be heart healthy, won’t HARM you – it also showed no real HEALTH BENEFITS.
Well that just makes no sense at all.
If you think about it for a minute there are plenty of things that are GOOD for you that can also be HARMFUL-  yet we are still encouraged to continue doing them.
For example swimming is fantastic EXERCISE – yet if you swim in the ocean you can easily be eaten by a shark.

But here’s the REAL concern I have behind this study:

The team used data on men and women over the age of 65 in order to assess whether resveratrol levels from diet were linked with inflammation, cancer, cardiovascular disease and death.

Hello??? Isn’t the problem obvious? Doesn’t anyone else realize that they were CLEARLY studying the WRONG AGE group-???

Anyone in their 30’s and 40’s and  raising YOUNG CHILDREN while focusing on their CAREER will be the first to attest to the MANY HEALTH BENEFITS of drinking wine.

Such as, but not limited to, the IMMEDIATE and INSTANT cure for:

Insanity,

Nervousness,

Anxiety,

Worry,

And of course (- fill in the blank but here are a few suggestions: Boss, kids, husband, wife) are all getting on your nerves.

So, in conclusion,  the folks behind this RIDICULOUS nonsense study of the non-benefits of drinking wine CLEARLY have the WRONG CONTROL GROUP!

Lesson Learned:

When in doubt, drink WHITE.

Spit the hot dog out and wear the blue dress…..

 

 

its time we addressed the big blue dress with a stain on it in the room

yes, –   you got it-  Monica Lewinsky.

-Who?

Those of you who had forgotten her 15 minutes of fame nearly two decades ago can be reminded now that she is competing for face time with Kim Kardashian for the cover of every gossip rag at the supermarket checkout line and appeared in the very prestigious NY Post – all the media attention that has been thrown her way because of her Essay where she claims to be haunted by a lifetime of regrets.

 

Hmmm?….

Does this sound like a Hilary bid to anyone else?

 

I’m sure I’m not the only one who finds it very TIMELY that Monica is opening up to Vanity Fair about her own affair  with ex POTUS Clinton…..20 years later.

Give me a break.

Don’t get me wrong- I am a huge supporter of Hillary. ( Not sure yet why that’s the case but for some reason – possibly the Egalitarian in me- is Inclined to say I like her thus far.)

Look, I have spent years avoiding politics in this blog.

I have addressed all topics fitness and Hollywood hubbub , but when it comes to politics, I pretty much keep my mouth shut – mostly because

I JUST DON’T CARE.

Yep, I admit it, I don’t give a damn.

 

I really don’t think that my Balsam FIT secret blog is going to change the world in any way, other than possibly help tighten those that jiggle just a little. (When in doubt- SQUAT!)

so when it comes to matters of political nature I tend to keep quiet,  but for some reason I just had to open up a bit about dear Monica.

Flash back 8 years ago when my daughter, Ava,  was born – we named her AVA MONICA BALSAM – the “A” represented “Anna “ – my paternal grandmother and the “M” was for “Mary” – my maternal grandmother.

The name “Mary Ann” just seemed too GIligan’s Island (and who doesn’t vote for Ginger in the quiz “which one would you shag” anyway??)

So we decided to modify-  and the first thing out of my father’s mouth when we told him the name we selected for our beautiful girl was:

 

“Monica?!! WHAT???!! like Monica LEWINSKY!!???”

 

Apparently, it was so shameful and still so raw in the political enviornment that he lived in (either that or he hadn’t ever watched an episode of “Friends”)

(I don’t care how much it costs- she still looks DAMN good!)

I suppose the name does have a burden attached to it or else there would be no Vanity Fair cover story

So let’s reflect a minute- can’t we argue that in actuality she was just a KID who made poor choices?

Do I need to address the double standard with Spitzer and Wiener- both MARRIED ADULTS  who have attempted -and possibly succeeded at- multiple comebacks?

REALLY????!

My question is this:

is this an issue of sexism  or simply a contrite attempt for office?

-Or possibly both?

Lesson Learned:

Let’s continue to limit the gossip rags for important matters like the Kardashian butt implant scandals and keep politics out of our Publix line literature.

Keep the politics for Late night Jimmy Fallon and  Stephen Colbert  where it should be.

 

Get REAL and LET it go!….

 

I’ve been reading – with serious laughter- the criticism that is surrounding Gwenyth Paltrow’s recent decision to uncouple.

I also learned something new:

Apparently, humans are just simply not designed to stay married for any length of time and we can all accredit science for our living longer -and therefore outliving the desire to stay married to one person.

When you’ve got Kim Kardashians 72 day marriage to compare to- Gwens 10 years is like dog years in Hollywood so I’m not sure why we aren’t all applauding her for actually lasting a decade.

I actually met Gwyneth some 20 years ago on the upper west side of Manhattan. I was walking with a friend on 86th street and she was filming the “Pallbearer” with Ross from Friends in the Synagogue that I would attend whenever I wanted free drinks on a Saturday afternoon. All I had to do was ask the producer with a smile if we could come in and watch them film and we were allowed behind the scenes. This was two decades ago, back when Gwen was sporting a short haircut and dating Brad Pitt. (Back when Brad Pitt was just the unknown hot guy who stole all of Thelma and Louise’s cash.

Hey Thelma: WORTH IT!!! !)

 

SOOOOO Worth it!

But even then I sensed a certain snobbiness and narcissism  to her- which was confirmed when she put out her cigarette on the floor of the main sanctuary and stomped it out with her 2 inch kitten heel which were in style at the time.

So when following this chatter about how out of touch with reality this movie star is – what made me laugh the most isn’t the fact that she’s divorcing (boring!) but rather, the CRITICISM about how just out of touch to the REAL world she is. Gwen’s website, Goop, is targeted to the one per centers and nothing she writes is practical be it to buy to wear or to prepare in the kitchen.

So, really, the question is: who takes her seriously?

In my opinion it’s like asking Martha Stewart to do your laundry for you. (You think she will approve of me throwing darks and whites in the same load once in a while ? OK, OK, you got me- ALL THE TIME.)

 

It’s like asking Paris Hilton what the BOGO specials are at publix this week. Really?- YOU think she’s buying more than just booze and cheetos?

I watch reality TV for a reason- and that reason is simple:

To laugh AT how UNREAL these characters (or caricatures ) are and how so out of touch they are with the “real world”- it really is laughable. (All I need is a DVR set to Bravo, a glass of wine and I’m off to sleep like a baby).

I sometimes think that I too, am out of touch with reality when I drive through my country club gates and  get pissed off that they closed the card room after 6pm on Saturday and therefore no more free snacks. But that’s MY reality- which begs the question:

 

Why would I compare MY REAL world to anyone else’s?

 

Even more so, why do we constantly compare ourselves to Hollywood stars? We watch what they wear, what they eat, how they exercise, where the live, where they vacation. We are obsessed with their lifestyles and for the most part spend our lives comparing ourselves to them- THE UNREAL world!

We care TOO MUCH in my opinion.

 

Lesson Learned:

So, bottom line boys and girls- especially all you angry working moms out there- the issue isn’t why is Gwen so out of touch with reality, the REAL ISSUE   here is :

 

WHY DO WE CARE????

Like Adele Dazeem sings in frozen; LET IT  GO!!!!