When it comes to Facebook friendships, I have one simple rule. I will gladly accept your request, after all, I’m touched that you want to be my friend, although you are a total stranger, I welcome you into my online life, as I can always use more people to validate my social media feelings, but I will immediately delete you if you start filling up my feeds with any of the following:
- Politics (either side) contrary to your belief, your daily rant is not going to persuade me to change my view, your opinion does not matter to me, after all we JUST became friends a minute ago so let’s get to know each other first. Share a funny meme, tell a joke, post a family pic, but do not go off about what’s wrong with this country. No need to state the obvious. We all know America needs a major reboot.
- Hate – I truly do not get this. Do you really think that your negative comments, bullying, or shaming of any kind is a turn on? I’d like to believe that for the most part, people are good. But the few and far between that fill my feed with nastiness , you will be immediately deleted. And if you follow up your nasty comment with an outlandish narcissistic selfie on a giant yacht surrounded with women half your age, well you won’t even get a “Buh” to the “bye”.
(This is not to say that there aren’t nasty women on FB – you know who you are- so, behave).
- MLM or any attempt of any kind to sell me anything (unless it’s a dog, in which case I will sincerely consider it.) For those of you who have found your second calling with the new side gig of selling beauty products, diet shakes or any “health / weight loss programs” – first of all, good for you! – I am glad you found your way and are happy with your new career choice. I’m sure it works for you (I don’t need to see your before and after pictures- I get it, you believe in your product so much that you are not only a representative but you’re also a customer. Thank you, but NO. Again, we JUST because friends a minute ago so let’s get to know each other first. See number 1 above for more on what to do instead.
And I know I just posted this recently but it’s that good so deserves a repost:
Now here’s what you absolutely SHOULD post:
- Pictures of you with your significant other (I am a matchmaker, so my mission is to find people love- if you already have found the one – show him or her off! And if its a new relationship, tell me more, tell me more, like does he have a car? If you’re single- even better! Then post great selfies and pictures of you and your friends out having fun. Make sure to tag everyone so that I can go find them and solicit them to join my network – hence breaking my own rule #3 above.
- Videos or memes that contain dogs. (Did I mention I love dogs?) The bigger the better – I need to live vicariously through you because I’m not allowed to get another one even though I ask Santa for one every year and Im a good girl- but dear husband made it crystal clear that if I did sneak one home one day then I will need my own matchmaking services.
- Recipes – I am never going to make them since I don’t cook, I simply burn food and wait for the smoke alarm to go off to know dinner’s ready, but it’s fun to watch you in the kitchen if that’s your thing. Food is pretty neutral territory on social media and appreciated more often than not.–
- Gym pictures or workout moves. After 20 years of being a licensed trainer, I still love learning new moves at the gym. I especially love the before and after pictures of people who have lost 100+ lbs. on their own just by cleaning up their diet and exercising. (Reminder, see rule #3 above for what not to post – hint: it’s shaped like a triangle) Anyway, for those ex-fatties: You go! Send nudes.
- A poll or survey always works. People love to participate when they think it’s a fun game. Feel free to steal from your 80’s classroom with questions like “what is your stripper name? take the name of the street you grew up on and your middle name- boom there you have it” (mine is ‘Arona Lunt- pretty slutty for a jewish girl in 6th grade) – or for that matter – anything 80’s is always good. Post TBT with the big hair, blue eyeliner, pink lip gloss and champion sweatshirt – we all had the same childhood.
- FB live videos of you just doing nothing. Seinfeld was popular for a reason. People are nosey and enjoy looking into the lives of others. I would totally watch you sitting on your couch watching Netflix. – which brings me to the next post suggestion
- Post which show are you currently binge watching! Even with 800 channels, there’s never anything to watch to help me fall asleep at night (although I’ll never turn down a good Housewives of any county episode of hair pulling and trash talking) but I’m always looking for new material. This includes Porn.
Stick to the social media rules and you will live happily ever after on my data collecting, privacy intruding, social media platform. Welcome, and glad your here so you can now start reading my blogs!