Armageddon is upon us….no wait, that’s just a roach

Yesterday morning at 6:04 AM, while standing in the kitchen preparing my oatmeal pancake, I spotted a cockroach run across the floor.

In the TWO DECADES that i lived in N.Y.C. – the MECCA of Rats, Roaches and Bed Bugs – I have NEVER EVER seen a roach and I attest that to the fact that I am the self proclaimed Queen of Ziploc.

My kids cereal barely hits the bowl before I swipe the box from their hands and seal the plastic portion with a hairdryer in space bag vacuum seal storage packs that you see on infomercials.

Even their non perishable clothes IN THEIR DRAWERS are stored in ziplocs. Their toys are itemized by which size ziploc. Our mattresses are covered in high density non woven polypropylene…..essentially just another way of saying EXTRA EXTRA LARGE ziploc.

All this premeditated plastic protection was initially intended to seal out Bed Bugs from other apartments when we lived in Manhattan-  it’s common knowledge that Bed Bugs are SNOBS and love to hang out in the fanciest of restaurants, luxury apartment buildings and 5 star hotels, so one can never be too prepared. This plastic sealant tradition carried over to our move to a house and has stayed with us ever since.

Some people protect their homes with guns, I arm mine with pliable armor !

BUT this incidental spotting made no sense….Cockroaches in FLORIDA??? Isn’t that an East Coast thing?

I almost wished it had been an ALLIGATOR – at least then I’d have a chance to wrestle it or shoot the damn thing and be done.

But a roach?? OY VEY. These things don’t ever die.

Aren’t roaches KNOWN to be the ONE and ONLY species that can survive a nuclear attack?

So when I witnessed this nasty critter crawl across my otherwise spotless floor, I had no doubt in my mind it could only mean ONE thing……

Armageddon was upon us.

I was just relieved that my arsenal of canned foods will finally pay for itself on the Underground Nuke Survivor Black Market .

But then I looked out the window and saw that the creepy statue of a smiling frog purchased by the previous owner by the pool was still standing in its place and my immediate environment seemed to be in order.

I had no choice but to think that this can only mean ONE OTHER thing……

The Passover Plagues have come early.

Vermin is upon us.

Unlike my ancestors in Egypt, however, I have PEST CONTROL on speed dial.

So, all is settled once again life in the land of ziploc .

But this incident made me think of just how little we actually CAN control in our daily lives.

As much as we think we may be taking precautions and doing everything possible to control our environment…..most of the time we are absolutely powerless.

The ONE thing, however, we actually CAN control….is regardless of HOW we STORE the food we prepare, WHAT we are actually putting into our mouths is entirely up to us.

Take control of your own HEALTH. Keep your place CLEAN and treat your body the same way… EATING CLEAN.

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