I’ve picked up on a few things since moving to Florida – some important lessons that is….
For one thing , never go to Costco during your lunch break. You may THINK you are multitasking and saving time on your errands by sneaking them in during your work day but in actuality that is the BUSIEST time to go- since it is also the EXACT time OLD PEOPLE (hereinafter referred to as the “Floridians”) go for lunch…no not for pizza and frozen yogurt at the cafe just after the check out counters but to actually STOP at every aisle where the Costco Employees stand handing out small food items in bite sized portions. These Tasters mean for the food to be a tease to lead into an actual PURCHASE but “Floridians” consider it to be The EARLY BIRD SPECIAL. Not kidding.
Also, never reach for a pack of gum or a magazine while in line behind a “Floridian” …they may misinterpret the gesture as trying to cut them in line and curse you out for having the NERVE to act like you’re younger and therefore faster. You’re not.
They’ve reminded me of that with their supernatural strength and agility that SUDDENLY shows up when they whip out their canes to force a barrier between you and the register.
Don’t try it. Trust me.
But the MOST essential bit of information that I have picked up from living here is IF you are pressed for time- who isn’t??- to NEVER ask an employee at Publix where an item can be found. You see, it is the employees pleasure (and by “pleasure” I mean paid responsibility to act as if it is) to assist you. So this is the scenario as it is played out…..I ask where I can find the cereal aisle and the employee not only directs me to the right aisle to find it, he drops EVERYTHING he is doing (even if he is standing on the upmost ledge of a ladder to stock the last item in his pile on the top shelf ) and WALKS WITH me to the aisle to find it FOR me….all along accompanied by a huge smile on his face and at minimum, 2 minutes of small talk about the weather. (Which is ALWAYS : “sunny, supposed to rain later, a little humid”.) But it’s not the small talk or the happiness the Publix employee spreads while assisting you- it’s the fact that he’s NO YOUNGER than my GRANDPA would be if he were still alive (and most likely working at Publix)…so here I am walking behind an Octogenarian LEADING me to my cereal in a slow, methodical pace and all I can think of as I DRAG my legs SLOWER and SLOWER is how sorry I am that I bothered to ask rather than just LOOK UP.
But – as it turns out – all of these life lessons have served a purpose – you see, the other night I was in my p.j.’s setting up the kitchen for breakfast the following morning (yes, I am that nut job that prepares the kitchen ahead of time and puts out the frying pans, the dry- sealed with ziploc oatmeal, the spatula and coffee mug with 2 truvia’s lined up next to it so that everything is all set up at 6:00am sharp when i get up to start my job as Superwoman…..) so anyway I realized we were out of oatmeal- which is odd in itself since I stock up on EVERYTHING to fill my arsenal of dry and canned goods in preparation for an attack even though it has become apparent that in Florida I’m more likely to be attacked by roaches and alligators than nukes
and even though it was SOOOO LATE (and by late that’s Balsam for 7:30pm) I decided to run out to publix to quickly gather my goods.
Mind you, I was wearing my pj’s and a hoodie but before you go report me to Victoria Beckham please take note that I still had on mascara and drawn in eyebrows.
So there I was in line ready to check out when a very creepy guy comes up behind me and tells me he loves my shirt. (Again, i was wearing pajama’s- and not the kind you get from Frederick’s – the my husband’s old stained V-Neck undershirt kind) – so i did what any trained New Yorker with 20 years of experience riding the subway drunk returning home from a downtown party and not wanting to spring for cab fare does – I looked away and pretended I was a Foreigner and did not understand English.
He saw right through that however and started to BARK at me. Yes, I said BARK. Like a DOG.
Immediately my superpowers activated and I looked up above my head at the lightbulb that had just gone off that reminded me of ALL the LIFE LESSONS I have learned living in Florida…….
- “Floridians” like FREE food (who doesn’t?)
- “Floridians “don’t like when you cut them in line (again, who doesn’t?)
- “Floridians” like (or are paid ) to help you (Ill skip that one.)
So I quickly told the woman in front of me who uncannily resembled “Sofia” from the “Golden Girls”- only OLDER- that there was free tasting in aisle 3 and then stepped in front of her to reach for a pack of gum which triggered TWO senses from her – one- the panicky urge to get out of line to find said free food but also simultaneously causing her CONFLICT on losing her coveted place in “10 items or less” (when it should read “10 items or FEWER”- always a pet peeve of mine being an English Lit Major) at the same time by reaching for the gum then backing away -without missing a beat i caused a chain reaction of her whipping out her cane and brushing against the creepy guys wrist – just enough for him to move back- at which point I called out for assistance in the grocery aisle by asking where I can find the cereal….BOOM! ……4 Employees emerged out of nowhere and offered assistance…..which scared said creep away.
AH HAH! Day is saved by The “Floridians” once again all is well.
Lesson Learned: Pay attention to the LITTLE THINGS you observe in life- even if at first they seem annoying…you never know- they just may lead to something useful one day.
Now, weekend is upon us…STAY TRUE to yourself fellow HEALTHY fellow JOURNEYers and enjoy, indulge, taste each morsel and chew slowly.
Have a great weekend folks!!