A few months ago I had invited friends over for a Friday night BBQ. Everything was going well – all were enjoying themselves until someone glanced over at the grill and noticed a very large RACCOON – and his even LARGER friend approaching. Everyone screamed and SPRINTED as fast as they could inside the house. That is – everyone but ME.
I have never been afraid of animals with LEGS – not even WILD ones with Rabies. The way I look at it I can OUT RUN a Bear but cant outswim a Shark.
I simply called the Sheriffs and told them to bring their GUNS. (The good thing about having Sheriffs on hand at your beck and call is that they are more than willing to jump at the chance to actually SHOOT something – given that their day is filled with preventing COUNTRY CLUB CRIME- which is also the title of the book I’m writing – that includes such offenses as drivers in luxury vehicles who make rolling stops at stop signs instead of stopping all the way – or people (like myself) who “borrow” too many towels from the pool clubhouse because I forget to bring underwear when I swim laps .)
Unfortunately by the time the Sheriffs arrived, the Raccoons had scampered off – leaving a bunch of frightened guests indoors for the night and little old me standing with a BROOM willing to fiercely and bravely take on the critters in a midnight brawl.
Flash forward to last Saturday when I stepped into the club pool in an endeavor to swim laps when after about 3 minutes I noticed something swim beneath me.
Then SOMETHING touched my leg.
At first I thought it was my kids playing a prank on me knowing full well I will not join them in frolicking in the ocean for my god awful fear of sharks. I wont even swim in a dark bottom pool for that matter.
But when I adjusted my goggles and took another glance down under to see what had glided beneath my vajay -jay- i saw IT……a creature from the black lagoon I tell you!
It was a morph between a frog, a crab, a giant roach and a snake….it slithered, it had claws and it was the size of a Kardashian Butt Cheek.
I did what ANY full grown WOMAN would do – I shrieked like a LITTLE GIRL, jumped the HELL out of the pool, then called a CODE RED.
I announced to everyone within a 10 mile radius that there was a Barracuda swimming below and immediately my kids sprang into action. They grabbed their yellow floating tubes and green noodles and started flinging at the “THING”.
When that didn’t work and the the creature kept swimming – and seemingly grew in size at every stroke- we knew this called for more HELP.
I guess “The A Team” was off duty that day – so we settled on the next best thing- theTowel boy. He did not speak a word of English so we had to use our hand gestures and girlish screeching to describe what must be done.
He then looked at the CREATURE swimming in the pool and started to cross himself while muttering what i guessed had to be a few Hail Mary’s or whatever it is people say under their breath before going into the Line of Duty.
Next thing I know he scoops the damn thing up in the pool net and flings it into the bushes at which point it FLIES – yes flies- out and continues back on the path towards the pool.
Without hesitation- this Brave immigrant grabs a flower pot and smashes “IT” into tiny little pieces while green liquid oozes from it.
Even when we are not afraid of SOME things in life that we SHOULD be – something can come out of NOWHERE and scare the Beejesus out of us.
It’s FUNNY how some things in LIFE give us the goosebumps and raise the little hairs behind our necks when other things – that seem less scary when you really think logically about how rare and incidental it would be to confront them- are just plain TERRIFYING.
Just know it’s OK to feel FEAR- it’s a NATURAL instinct that generates the SURVIVAL instinct.
What SCARES us makes us STRONGER… At least that’s what I keep telling myself every time I see a snake in my pool.
Now I just need to learn to be afraid of my belly fat.