So we took the kids to Rapids Water Park on Sunday.
I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure that’s where Obama decided to send the kids to resolve the border control crisis.
The minute we walked into the park I immediately regretted not splurging for the $89 pair of aqua sox.
Now some of you loyal Blog readers are aware of my GERM freak issues (and by ISSUES I mean you couldn’t PAY ME ENOUGH to go on a luxury cruise- for fear of contacting Hepatitis A – regardless if Julie Mccoy offered to seat me at the captains table for dinner )
So when I realized what I had stepped into I immediately broke out in hives.
My very supportive husband who knows me better than anyone in the world understood completely what was going on in my head as I ascended the steps to our first water slide and I pointed out the rust on the bolts that were “supposedly” holding the entire park together. His words of wisdom and comfort were clear and succinct:
“Suck it up”
And just like that!- I decided I had to look past the mold and fungi on the steps in front of my bare feet and ignore the nose picker in front of me who wiped it off on the hand rail my children were leaning on and focused on getting up those hundred’s of steps to the entry to what looked simply like a giant MRI tube in the sky. (Hey, at least I was getting in a good leg work out since I had skipped the gym that morning ).
I just kept my focus on the people in front of me and tried not to worry about just what was holding this slide together given the size of the clientelle who use it daily.
After what seemed like hours but most likely was only a germ filled 15 minutes, we had finally arrived at the top of the slide – our turn!
The kids were so excited, the husband not so much, and as for me ,well – I just asked the nice 17 year old boy with acne and yet somehow put in control of the positioning of the raft (and our lives) if he could please make sure I am not the one who goes backwards because this was my first time at the park.
I was very appreciative when he responded that I shouldn’t worry he would “take care “ of me and I hesitantly, yet bravely, climbed into the flimsy blow up raft.
From that moment on, all I could remember was hearing him laughing his ass off as our raft very quickly picked up lightening speed as we slid down the slide and suddenly turned backwards and upside down – ME HEAD FIRST- and then hyperventilating as we darted through the pitch black tubes flipping over several times and losing consciousness along the way.
After what I can only describe as the closest I have come to hell, we had finally made it to the bottom and as I barely fell off the raft and looked around for my lost sun visor I almost did not hear my kids yelling that my bikini bottoms had fallen down and my woohoo was showing.
The least of my problems.
Then we decided to take a quick break and relax in the lazy river.
After three minutes I realized I had made a cardinal mistake by assuming this was the safest of the rides when I heard the woman behind me order her son to get off his raft to pee in the pool so they could go eat lunch.
We decided to end our day at the WAVE pool and I laid our towels down momentarily while we jumped through chaos and commotion – (admittedly the best part of my day) and when I went over to gather our towels to leave I was confronted by a man with face tattoos and nipple rings wiping his armpits and his crotch on our towels.
Time to go! I declared and out came the purel as we drove off to hose down with BLEACH.
Sometimes it’s HEALTHY to get out of your comfort zone – if, for no other reason, but to prove that you’re still able to enjoy acting like a kid.
just remember to bring antibiotics