I once worked with a woman who told me that the reason she got a nose job at the age of 16 was because she grew up in Long Island. She went on to explain in great detail that it’s a certain right of passage for every Jewish girl from that area of NY to get plastic surgery just before she is old enough to apply for a drivers license.
At the time, I thought that was funny and took her only half seriously even though I knew she meant every word.
But now, years later, I have quickly learned that there are certain rights of passage when you live in Florida…..
First, you MUST take up tennis. Even if, like myself, you don’t like the sport. In fact, I absolutely hate it. I hate everything about it:
1. The sun – I spend way too much money on skincare and fight way too hard for an umbrella at the pool to jeopardize my vampire skin just to be on a tennis team. Not worth it.
2. Lateral movement – of any form. Unless you’re a crab, who moves side to side anyway? It’s so unnatural. Our bodies were meant to move forward- (isn’ that why everyone loves the caveman diet? or maybe that’s something else- tbd) – even though I don’t run anymore at least I know that if I did, my legs would move in front of me instead of to the sides- it’s just so awkward.
3. The outfits. Skirts to workout? Makes no sense.
4. Everyone’s always icing their elbows after they play…..you don’t need to be Doctor Oz to know that means with tennis, you get injured easily.
So tennis is one right I do not partake in.
The next right of passage is you have to get a little white dog. Or it can be a golden color – a mix of a poodle or a golden retriever- either way it has to have some form of “poo” or “malti” breed in it. But nothing big and nothing intimidating. It must bark very loud and incessantly and every old lady on your street must walk theirs at the same time so they all bark in unison at each other.
The third right of passage is you must get a boob job or at the very least, an excellent push up bra. And you must wear very tight form fitting tank tops to work out and then walk around all day in them. Again, I do not partake in this right.
The fourth right is you must drink ice coffee or green juice in big cups and walk around with them all day long. In your flip flops. Unless it’s 70 degrees or below and then you wear a winter coat and knee high boots.
In life, there are movements and progressions that form who we are. You take what you like and make it what you want, but most importantly, make it your own.