If you write it, they will come…..

Once in a while I submit one of my articles to my friend who works in publishing. I’m not sure if he is humoring me or not but he always makes me feel good by telling me I have good writing skills despite the fact that my grammar is always off, and I often write in CAPS which is like screaming “F U” to an Editor.

His main critique is that instead of the normal Times New Roman font size 12, I prefer to write in Cambria at font size 20 –mainly because it’s a fun font that makes me smile, but more so because I refuse to wear reading glasses an that’s the only font size I can actually still read with out them.

So when I sent him one of my articles recently and asked him what he thought about the idea of me writing an “eBook” or several of them- his reply took me by surprise. He asked me; why limit myself to an “eBook” and reminded me that there are still tangible, paper, hard cover bound books – in print – which you can actually hold and turn the pages with your hands.

I had to stop and think about that for a minute.

I use technology for almost everything I do. I text myself ideas on my phone, transfer them to my computer, go online to spread them to the world. The only time I actually use a pen and paper is when I write up my grocery-shopping list.

I DONT ALWAYS MAKE A GROCERY LIST BUT WHEN I DO, I FORGET IT AT HOME The Most Interesting Man In The World

It used to be that I would leave a notepad and pen on my night stand to write notes to myself in the middle of the night if I have a creative idea –but I could never read my own handwriting in the morning and would spend the remainder of the day frustrated at my lack of penmanship skills – so I nixed that long ago.

But it occurred to me that we truly are a digital world and everything we do depends on technology.

I kind of think there’s something so genuine and sincere about handwritten notes.

Longhand cartoons, Longhand cartoon, funny, Longhand picture, Longhand pictures, Longhand image, Longhand images, Longhand illustration, Longhand illustrations

When my kids were little, before they even knew how to write, I taught them the importance of sending handwritten thank you notes when they received gifts. They started with just a drawing and as they grew they did not need to be reminded to sit down and write beautiful handwritten thank you cards. Now they leave me notes all the time (probably because they think kissing up to me will soften me up enough to indulge them in something- it always works, I’m so easy).

So I asked myself why it threw me off when my friend suggested I write an actual hardcover 30,000 word book rather than a short 3000 word eBook.

I suppose the answer was simple: it meant I had to actually sit down and write it.

Lesson Learned:

Sometimes we procrastinate and end up missing out on life opportunities. All it takes is a little push from an outside source to get you to accomplish what you ultimately dream of doing.

Stay tuned for my hardcover/paper book!!!!

Is your plate half full or your pocket book half empty?….

As you know, (because I tell you all the time) The NY Post is my favorite paper. I read it everyday so that I can keep up with the important events that are taking place in the world, such as which restaurant Amal and George Clooney had dinner in the night before. Or even more significant world events that really provoke you to think- like Tiger and Lindsey’s recent break up.

So the other day I read an article about the latest restaurant trend that caters to the uber healthy weight conscious crowd. (I.e.; all of NYC.)

Finally! New York has figured out the answer to quick weight loss! Sounds too good to be true but apparently this latest diet trend is catching on! The new health trend that is taking off all across the city in the hottest restaurants is some thing referred to as:

‘Half portion plates’.

That’s correct! Now you can go in to your favorite fancy restaurant and order a half size portion of your favorite meal- and the best part is – you still get to pay full price!

You can imagine how relieved these NY’ers are that they now don’t have to stress over such important decisions like what to do with a FULL meal that you just can’t finish? apparently, it’s just too much work to leave the leftovers on your plate or ask for a doggy bag to hand to the homeless or reheat for next day’s lunch – when you simply can not finish your meal. For those of you who just can’t be bothered having to do all that work of asking for a bag – now you finally have the solution- you can simply pay full price for a half meal.

Image result for idiots funny

I couldn’t help thinking that this sounded so familiar to me already – it seemed to me that the option to have half size plates has been around for years…….

Lesson Learned:

When your life gets to that point where you stress over portion sizes you should stop and think just how lucky you are.

When just one will do…..

My kids asked me for a fish a few months ago. Normally I am against buying things that I know only last a few days but I suppose it’s a certain right of passage for every kid to own a goldfish, feed it too much, then hold a funeral by the toilet.

So I agreed to buy each of them one.

I even went all out and let them each pick out all the accompanying accessories – from the rubber Spongebob characters that sat at the bottom of the bowl – to the rainbow colored pebbles that they could interchange as they pleased.

 

(such a Sage- I practice this philosophy all the time).

All excited, we brought their new pets home, set them each up and gave them names.

The next day when I got home from work, not surprisingly, I found one of the fish floating at the top. One down one to go!!- was all I could think, but of course, I kept my opinion to myself .

Then something crazy happened.

The other one lived.

For months and months the little guy still would just not die. Now, I know what you’re thinking – but before you go and call PETA on me – just know that  I’M the one who has to remember to stop at the pet store to buy fish food and I’M the one who has to change the pebbles to color coordinate and I’M the one who has to clean the bowl every 2 days (considering how small these things are – it’s a mystery just how much poop they are able to evacuate) .

You get where I’m going with this….

Goldfish are supposed to be won at the carnival and die the minute you take them out of the water filled plastic bag. That’s just the way it’ supposed to go. So,  I finally decided to accept this fish as our household pet and even took to liking the way watching it swim around a little made me relax. (especially after I’ve had a few glasses of wine). I decided to go out and buy another one to keep it company – and add to our family of fish.

All  was happy in the house.

Until last night, when I came home from work and found both fish floating at the top.

Lesson Learned:

Keep it simple. When just one will do, don’t try and replicate the process or your plan will go belly up.

Have a great day!

 

Deep thoughts and how to be happy…..

So, I’m giving a speech today on the topic: “How To Be Happy”. I have no idea why they asked me but I suppose someone overheard somewhere along the line that I am currently writing a book. Well, I guess you can say that I have been writing a book for 9 years- just online, with lot of pictures and caustic wit thrown in between the “lessons learned”.

So when they approached me to speak, the first thing I thought was – oh no- I suck at public speaking. I know, you’re probably shocked if you know me at all you know that I am quite loud and get very animated when I talk- but  I am just so much better at writing out what I think – it just comes easily to me. Whereas, when I speak in public I end up going way too fast, perhaps because I feel like I’m going to lose the audiences interest so I better hurry up and get out all points quickly- which always ends up getting scattered along the way.

So I decided to WRITE down in outline form the points I want to make. That’s today’s blog- I am sharing with you my secrets to living a healthy and happy life. It’s a little long so feel free to take all week to read.

You’re welcome!

Happiness comes naturally to me –I am a lucky gal- but don’t worry

  • Happiness can be learned!
  • Environment creates positive or negative Behavior…but that can be changed. Change your environment and change your behavior (When I lived in N.J. I was absolutely miserable. The people around me did not smile. The skies were often grey – and not in a cool way like they are in the Mamma’s and Pappa’s song . But the minute I moved to FL and surrounded myself with smiling people and the sun is out all the time – I’m happy again).
  • Appreciate everything you have. Sometimes I stop and make my kids look up at the blue sky. They get so annoyed because the sky is always blue and we are always stopping. Devote time to family and friends and appreciate them.
  • When all else fails go to the Beach -We are lucky enough to live in FL- 6 minutes from the ocean! No matter if you don’t live near water- go sit on a rock or swing on a swing! Take time to let nature be your therapy.
  • Be positive! Ok, Ok, it’s easy to say be Positive but to actually BE positive you have to do more than think it – you have to make the effort to actually say it out loud- even if don’t really think it. Makes a difference when you say something nice vs. something negative or complaining.
  • Promote yourself– always give yourself compliments- no negative speak! None of this: “I’m such an idiot!” instead – what I do since I’m such a big klutz- bumping into furniture that I placed- I say things like: “I’m such a dingy!” – meant affectionately about myself. I think this makes me so cute. It doesn’t matter if no one else agrees.
  • No complaining!! This is one of my favorites and I stick to it! Stay away from complainers or toxic people, weed them out don’t even respond when they complain- don’t indulge them! Complainers love to complain and love an audience even more! I tell my daughters all the time “don’t be a yenta”! Don’t take on other people’s drama. I avoid people who complain or gossip- I change the subject or walk away. Granted, I don’t have a lot of friends – but the few real friends that I do have – make me happy. Some acquaintances I know come up to me and say something negative- I just walk away. Especially if they try to approach me in the gym- that’s my happy place.
  • Have No shame– I really don’t care what others think of me- never have- I have high self esteem and that’s what makes me happy.
  • Surround yourself with happy people! Optimism is cultivated and contagious!!
  • Don’t try and get in the head of crazy! Just like there’s no room to negotiate with terrorists – same thing goes for crazy- there’s just no room for it! Stay away from crazy eyes!Image result for crazy eyes funny
  • Learn/ study/grow your mind. Learning leads to distraction from negative but also inspires the positive. Learn something new- then teach it…pay it forward!
  • Set goals – and write them down and most importantly, review them and modify/ change / update!!!
  • Contribute / volunteer. My weekly nursing home visits were initially because we thought we would help cheer up the old and sick but turns out it’s more for us!! I always feel like a million bucks (they dish out so many compliments – I’ll take it anyway I can!!)
  • Eat clean– no sugar. – Anyone who knows me knows I love to talk about health and fitness. Obsessed with clean eating and natural foods. But there’s real science behind how food affects your mood!!! Spike in blood sugar and insulin levels cause hormone imbalance- just ask my husband when I eat too many cookies- I always BLAME him! Some how it’s his fault – the spike in sugar causes hormonal imbalance- mood swing and even worse: skin issues. Wrinkles, blemishes…blame them on Junk Food =imbalances. Health food= happiness! Hormones lead to Happiness – hormones affect everything from our immune response and inflammation to cellular growth and tissue repair.
  • Exercise – for your brain and your body. <20 min. increase Heart Rate = pumps Oxygen to brain and stimulates growth of new connections between cells –neuronal connections reduce stress and increase cell growth! The Type of exercise is even more impactful: workouts that incorporate different parts of your brain – when forced to move and think- and use these 3 things: Coordination + rhythm +strategy= DANCE!! So go do the Salsa and eat it too!
  • Sleep– most important is to get rest but also –just before you go to sleep, listen to soft music or watch a comedy or something silly –read an entertaining light book – nothing sad or tragic- avoid the nightly news before bed – I watch my dumb Bravo network- the Real Housewives of anytown- my husband calls it the “dumbing down of Jordana”- I call it the best sleep aid in town! (But Xanax works well too!)
  • BREATHE! Take a breath- literally breathing reduces stress – releases the same chemicals that: lowers blood pressure/Heart Rate, reduces stress hormones, lactic acid build up in muscle tissue, levels of Oxygen and Carbon dioxide in blood improves immune system, physical energy = calm
  • Talk about it. Relieve stress by talking through something or write it down- my blog started as therapy when I moved to NJ back in 2008– to work through my issues with negative people around me- I just wrote about them- publicly. Best part about it is they all followed me and still read my blog to this day! I spread the happiness to miserable people and help them get happy.
  • Follow your gut-go with your instinct = GUT health – unhappy causes stomach issues- boy can I vouch for this one! I even ordered the Squatty Potty to help- but overall only happiness relieves gut issues.
  • Make a change– do something different – get out of your comfort zone- change up your routine – helps get you out of a rut. If something is not working for you – modify and improve it!!
  • Stop apologizing! Do what’s in your best interest. My Husband hates my leopard shoes!- I call them my happy shoes- too bad for him- leopard always makes me smile –I love color!! Brighter the better!
  • Hobby / volunteer/ find spirituality- do all these things!
  • Inspire others! Cheerful smile- fake it till you make it- even if you’re trying to pull a fast one on your brain it still triggers your brain to release endorphins, which are the chemicals responsible for making us feel happy and lower stress levels. = Contagious!
  • Have Deep thoughts –sounds like a bad SNL skit but even that makes you laugh which ultimately reduces stress!
  • LAUGH. Be jolly. Let it roll…. literally. Belly laugh so your stomach literally rolls- deep heavy BROO HA HA!!! Laugh until you cry! (Or pee- even better)
  • Change your state! Jump up and down/ like Taylor swift sings, “shake it off!”- Move! Express! Make funny faces!!!
  • Let it go! Forgive! It heals your heart and aids in cardiovascular activity- scientifically

Lesson Learned:
Happiness comes from your brain, your smile, your heart, your gut, your body and your soul. It’s not too late to make major changes and live a full, healthy and happy life! Enjoy your day and smile hard until it embarrasses someone.

And now for your viewing pleasure:

Live it up- but wait until you’re a 100….

 

We like to take the kids to visit the local nursing home on Fridays. It is kind of my way of ‘giving back’ to justify allowing myself to ‘throw some back’ later on at happy hour.

There is one lady in particular that I just adore, partly because she is sweet and grateful for the company, but mostly because she compliments me each and every time I see her and makes me feel like I’m a Hollywood star.

She is 100 years old – but I tell her she doesn’t look a day older than 90.

I asked her what she thought was her secret to longevity. I bet you think her answer was something like:

“eating clean” or “exercise daily”.

 

Nope, her simple reply was: “good sex and good scotch”.

At which point I tried to cover my kid’s ears with Vince Vaughn’s hand earmuffs – but they just rolled their eyes at me.

 

Got to hand it to the lady- she has it all figured out.

But her answer made me think….

I spend my days juggling and balancing all the normal activities that go along with being superwoman in my mid 40’s – from motherhood, career, husband- and just life as we know it.

  • I eat clean (except weekend cheat days of course- you hear all about those).
  • I exercise everyday.
  • I drink wine and not jagermeister shots.
  • I don’t do drugs (unless Xanax counts- Nah, don’t think so, let’s just say it doesn’t).

In other words, I am a good girl.

But when I’m old and grey (Who am I kidding? – I’m already grey- but I still bother to color it) will I change my ways?

Ethel made me stop and consider it.

Thankfully the sex part I have covered- maybe too much so- (my husband calls me as Mrs. Roper),

 

but what about the other stuff I have chosen to steer clear of because I knew they were no good – things that “bad girls” did??!

I can’t help but to wonder, if I’m still around to reach age 98 and have say, maybe another couple years left – Would I let loose and party like a rock star?

Hell ya I would! I would buy a souped up walker with a built in shelf to hold all my cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, opium and whatever new hallucigenic was available at the time.

I’d have the lower part of the walker designed with a full wet bar and walk around sloshed all day long.

My room in the nursing home will have an open door policy for whomever feels like swinging by. (before 6:00PM of course, girls still gotta get her sleep).

Yup, at that age, I would absolutely just allow myself to let it all go.

Lesson Learned:

Maybe we shouldn’t wait until it’s too late to truly enjoy living. But first, we need to live a full lifespan of clean eating and taking care of ourselves so that we get to that point to just let it all go!

Live! But not too much.

 

 

Grab the flower cap and jump right in…..

Saturday mornings I try and avoid the gym – too much hustle and bustle with weekend warriors makes parking tough to find and a machine hard to get. (Besides, they don’t serve free breakfast on weekends like they do during the week, so there’s really no incentive to go).

So instead I swim laps.

This time, when I showed up to the club pool, I found myself just a little more than curious about trying the water aerobics class with the other old ladies in long sleeve rash guards, oversized sunglasses and sun hats the size of a Mexican sombrero.

I suppose it was because they were chatting away and smiling – something was getting them energized!

The music was amazing and hip, and the ladies just seemed to be having so much fun I could not help but be tempted to join them. I made a mental note to self to buy a new bathing cap and jumped right in.

At first, I regretted my decision because I was concerned I wasn’t going to get my heart rate up or get in the endurance and strength training that swimming laps offers. But after a few minutes of the warm up, I started to regret my decision to take this class…. because it was so hard!! Even though they are made of Styrofoam, when submerged underwater, those water weights gave me such a difficult and strenuous workout – I was praying we would move on to legs.

Until we did.

Then I just wished for the class to be over (so I could go to the swim up bar.)

All in all, the workout was intense, fun and different than anything I have done in the gym…. and I loved it!

Lesson Learned:
Go ahead and live a little, do something different. Change it up! Take a jump into the pool. Life is short.

Not just for Wheaties….

 

Sometimes I can’t think of anything to write about and have to pull a topic out of my ear, and then there are times where my post is handed to me on a silver platter.

Diane Sawyer handed me my article –  on  a gold medal platter- today.

You knew this was coming, we all did (did we have a choice? – Like all competitive news  networks, Dateline has been advertising this sensational story for weeks).

Friday night, along with the rest of the world, I had my eyes glued to the Bruce Jenner interview.

Not for the reasons I initially thought I would- which were mainly out of sheer curiosity to see if this was really a publicity stunt or were all these nasty comedians accurate in their accusations during their monologues all this time (they were- and they should all apologize) but more so because I now have such an entirely different perspective  of him, or as he now prefers to be referred to as, of “her”.

For those of you who missed it, he shared with the world that he has been fighting this urge to be a woman his entire life. He knew from childhood that he wanted to be a girl and because of social pressures, among many other reasons, and just life as we know it, he felt forced to lead his life as a man whom, once in a while, would sneak into one of his 3 ex wives closets to don a dress.

 

Even if he didn’t tell us, it was quite clear that he is taking so many female hormones and that he is significantly more sensitive and emotional as an effect from them than he has ever been on any of his appearances on the Kardashians – regardless of how muck Kris would beat the crap out of his ego.

I was captivated by his honesty, his brevity, his very inspiring desire for freedom to live out the rest of his life the way he feels he is meant to be. But by far the highlight for me was at one point when Diane (whom incidentally came off as, disingenuous, insincere and almost mocking) asked him;

“Why now?” – implying that, at age 65, when most would argue that he is past his prime and his years of being a “hot” woman have gone.

She referred to him becoming a woman now at this age as his “pantsuit” years. Without missing a beat, (he had already explained the reason he waited this long to do what he wanted his entire life – was because he felt that he needed to wait until his kids were grown – which made me love his responsible, protective and mature nature even more) and agreed that now he would be wearing black pants, black heels and a white blouse (exactly what Diane was wearing).

 

Overall, I could not help myself from thinking as a I dozed off (Friday night happy hour makes me sleepy) that not only is this an all American hero because he won the 1976 Olympics, but more so because of how, 39 years later, him sharing “her” story- will change the world as we know it.

Lesson Learned:

We are who we are. Be all you can be and be it with pride. (Even if you have to do it in a pantsuit).